In case you haven't been keeping up with twitter, I got approved for jobseeker (unemployment assistance) payments and finally got proof of separation from my old job after 4 months of trying. I got a few friends in Aus to send reports to relevant departments. I'm not sure how much it helped but they suddenly became very quick to cooperate on Monday so I like to think it did something. I know it's generally frowned upon to make it difficult for retail staff, but this should've only taken 10 minutes and I've been waiting since December. I hope it's been an absolutely miserable experience for them.

I haven't spoken about it much on NG (if at all) but since 2018 I've been dealing with episodes of paranoia and hallucinations (mostly audio, at least one visual). I saw a doctor on monday and got a referral to a psychiatrist but the soonest appointment I can get is in August, so I'm going to be dealing with that a little longer.

As for finding a job, I'm not holding my breath. Especially not in this town. Like I said in the last post, I don't even get interviewed.

Really it's reflecting on the experience of my last job that's been making me feel this way. The elation of finally getting hired being eroded as I'm shown my limitations again and again. Mostly difficulties related to autism that I'm going to have to live with. Maybe it's my fault for not constantly parading the fact I have a disability and announcing it to everyone I meet. I hate having to tell people. Not because I'm ashamed of having this condition, but because it feels like I'm asking for leniency/patience that wouldn't be given to me otherwise. It's why I don't put it in my bios. I don't like the idea that being an autistic creator™ somehow makes my work more valuable.

The thing that ends up getting the better of me is ambiguity. If there's any missing details/context in a request, I'll be completely lost. I explain it to my friends using spaghetti as an example. If you tell me to make spaghetti and left me to it for an hour, assuming I can't find/contact you for answers, I'll be stuck in the kitchen agonising over how much I'm supposed to make, what kind of meat/sauce you wanted, whether you wanted me to actually cook it from scratch or microwave a tin, etc. Apply that struggle to a workplace scenario and that's pretty much how I lost my job. As a teenager doing chores at home, my stepfather at the time used to rationalise it lovingly as me being lazy and not giving a fuck. Maybe I've internalised his words somewhat and assumed I could just force myself to be wired differently but I realise now it's never going to change. Either it'll keep fucking me over or I'll need constant hand-holding. I'll just be someone else's burden.

It's for those reasons that for the past week I've been thinking of ending my life. I've heard every "hang in there" speech, they're not very convincing. Sometimes hanging in there is too painful. Luckily the developments I mentioned in the top paragraphs have made me reconsider and I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through with it anymore. For now I'd like to finish my comic first but I don't know if I can safely say that I won't do it ever. I guess I'll just do my best to enjoy this while it lasts.