Obviously that's just a silly title to raise eyebrows but it'll make sense when I'm finished. There's no comic or life updates in this post (kinda) so skip it if you like, but I feel like I have to put it out there.
Over the last year of working on BE I've been dealing maybe the most traumatic experience in my 25 years on this planet. I've had several terrible parents and felt like I was gonna die more than once and way younger than anyone should have to, but I think this last one has changed me the most as a person. I went over it in this news post under the "Why so edgy?" portion so I won't repeat myself here.
TLDR: I was put in a situation where a stranger's life was in my hands and regular people on the street tried to stop me.
Ever since then I haven't been the same. The way I describe it is It's like I've seen something about the species that I wasn't supposed to and now I can never unsee it. I can't relate to or form meaningful relationships with people the way I used to before the incident. It's like where other people would see a "soul" (for lack of a better term), I see nothing. The easiest way I can explain it is like being a game developer. What other people might see as a deep character, to me is just lines of code and dialogue. It's very difficult to articulate.
I bring this up because it's not a popular worldview to have (big shock). It's not like I don't want to open myself up again. Believe me, I've tried. It's not me being edgy, it's a psychological block that probably won't go away without years of therapy (at least). It'll probably take something equally as Earth-shattering to undo it. I suppose it doesn't help that "the inherent good of all mankind uwu" is hip with the kids on twitter who pretend to have empathy. Maybe it's not a nice thing to say, but the way the "acceptance and empathy" crowd is so quick dismiss what is a very common response to trauma/moral injury makes it seem like they're hoping they'll just kill themselves for their sake. It doesn't take a professional to know pushing people like that away and making them feel more alienated only makes things worse (you fucking idiots).
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm not ashamed.
I'm not going to blame myself anymore. I did as I was told with very little time to act and did what would've been the right thing. I'm not sure what made all those people turn on me and tune out the man outside dying, all I know is something is very wrong with those people and I'm not going to pretend there isn't because it's "cringe" or whatever.
At the end of the day, I saw some shit and it fucked me up. It would do the same to anyone. I don't know if I'll ever be the same again, but everything I felt was real. I don't believe in fake positivity. The best thing I can do for myself right now is to be honest about my feelings.
TLDR: Every single fake mental health professional on twitter can go and get fucked.
53xy83457
As someone who knew BetterHelp was bullshit the whole time (based solely on the fact I was tired of hearing about fucking BetterHelp), I enjoyed the final sentence of this post.
Sorry to hear you had to go through all that. What a bunch of assholes.