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OneGrumpyLumpy
Creator of Bury Everyone and some other bullshit.

Anglerfish Enthusiast @OneGrumpyLumpy

Age 25

Victoria, Australia

Joined on 12/2/18

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Posted by OneGrumpyLumpy - 2 weeks ago


Obviously that's just a silly title to raise eyebrows but it'll make sense when I'm finished. There's no comic or life updates in this post (kinda) so skip it if you like, but I feel like I have to put it out there.


Over the last year of working on BE I've been dealing maybe the most traumatic experience in my 25 years on this planet. I've had several terrible parents and felt like I was gonna die more than once and way younger than anyone should have to, but I think this last one has changed me the most as a person. I went over it in this news post under the "Why so edgy?" portion so I won't repeat myself here.


TLDR: I was put in a situation where a stranger's life was in my hands and regular people on the street tried to stop me.


Ever since then I haven't been the same. The way I describe it is It's like I've seen something about the species that I wasn't supposed to and now I can never unsee it. I can't relate to or form meaningful relationships with people the way I used to before the incident. It's like where other people would see a "soul" (for lack of a better term), I see nothing. The easiest way I can explain it is like being a game developer. What other people might see as a deep character, to me is just lines of code and dialogue. It's very difficult to articulate.


I bring this up because it's not a popular worldview to have (big shock). It's not like I don't want to open myself up again. Believe me, I've tried. It's not me being edgy, it's a psychological block that probably won't go away without years of therapy (at least). It'll probably take something equally as Earth-shattering to undo it. I suppose it doesn't help that "the inherent good of all mankind uwu" is hip with the kids on twitter who pretend to have empathy. Maybe it's not a nice thing to say, but the way the "acceptance and empathy" crowd is so quick dismiss what is a very common response to trauma/moral injury makes it seem like they're hoping they'll just kill themselves for their sake. It doesn't take a professional to know pushing people like that away and making them feel more alienated only makes things worse (you fucking idiots).


I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm not ashamed.


I'm not going to blame myself anymore. I did as I was told with very little time to act and did what would've been the right thing. I'm not sure what made all those people turn on me and tune out the man outside dying, all I know is something is very wrong with those people and I'm not going to pretend there isn't because it's "cringe" or whatever.

At the end of the day, I saw some shit and it fucked me up. It would do the same to anyone. I don't know if I'll ever be the same again, but everything I felt was real. I don't believe in fake positivity. The best thing I can do for myself right now is to be honest about my feelings.


TLDR: Every single fake mental health professional on twitter can go and get fucked.


13

Comments

As someone who knew BetterHelp was bullshit the whole time (based solely on the fact I was tired of hearing about fucking BetterHelp), I enjoyed the final sentence of this post.

Sorry to hear you had to go through all that. What a bunch of assholes.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, I'm still young.

We can't expect everyone to understand what we're doing when we're doing it. Unless you tried explaining to them what you needed the AED for, there's no way for them to know that what was happening outside of the store. It sucks that they didn't let you help them, but we can only assume that someone else made the right call one way or another with that man and saved his life.

I think it's just pure misunderstanding rather than evil. Though, I guess the most evil that god or the devil or mother nature or whatever did to humans was giving us a fleshy barrier that prevented us from seeing each other's souls.

I did explain it to them multiple times. A store manager even tried to gaslight me into thinking someone was having heart problems in her store to try and take it from me. I promise you it wasn't a misunderstanding.

Gods above, that sucks. I'm so sorry you had to go through that shit. I've been in a lock -down treatment center for two and a half years, went to a boarding school for five and half. Seen a lot of humans being real shitty to each other from 01-2012. I get it. Humans can be absolute scumbags. I feel for ya, bro. No one should have to go through that, especially that incident you've spoken of before on that bus. I wish there was a way I could hit ya up or talk to ya, but I'm hundreds of miles from Australia (damn it). I hope life gets better. Seriously no one deserves to go through that crap.

The only thing I can conclusively say about humans with 100% certainty is that there is nothing else I can say about humans with 100% certainty. We were built to like black and white, but the world isn't monochrome. It has colors humans can't even see, for god's sake. We like categories and simple explanations. We don't like being uncomfortable. Few people get to their mid twenties without seeing some messed up shit, but the incident you wound up in was truly stark. Sorry you had to see that.

It's easy for me to acknowledge that people are indifferent and won't go out of their way to help anyone they don't know personally. A lot of them won't even help the people they do know. What's truly hard to wrap my brain around is that, as you saw, it goes past indifference. Some people will actively work to stop you from receiving help or from giving it to someone else. Why? Really, WHY? I wouldn't have a problem if there was a selfish explanation, but I can't think of one. Was it greed? Distrust? Malice? What possessed not just one person but most of the people around you to instantly assume you meant harm with a device designed for the singular purpose of saving lives?

Makes my head spin. I wonder if any of the bystanders realized the insanity of it all.

The most charitable explanation I can think of is they assumed I was schizophrenic or something and was having a delusional episode. It would explain their condescending tone and why they wouldn't listen to my explanation, but the fact they came to that conclusion in seconds and refused to reevaluate is disgusting.

I mean this with complete and utter sincerity
You seem like a really cool person to get to know. Maybe it’s just because I only see your art but you just seem like you have a vibe that you know how to do well and not many people have that.

I only first saw your art about 2-4 months ago, but as soon as i saw it, i loved it, and i respected your commitment to making the comic, as it can't have been easy, i don't know what i am trying to say, so i'll cut it short, i loved your art and the comic and still do, and the people who put you through that can go fuck themselves, i just wish you the best man.