Hi everyone. As I write this I'm two thirds of the way through chapter 8 of BE. The way things have gone so far, I'm probably one good burst of motivation (maybe two) from finishing it and sending it off to Gabbo so that's great. This one has been really tough given it's a climax to an arc, so there's been a lot of self-imposed pressure there. Hopefully when it's finished it'll be worth it. I'm really excited to get to the next bit of the story, even if looking at my notes it's going to be an even bigger hassle. I guess I'm not in charge anymore, BE is.

In other news (that I have waited way too long to give an update on), I've had my first tysabri infusions for MS. My doctors say the current way of thinking with treatment is to put patients on the strongest medication first since it slows down progression. There are a lot of risks associated (There's a chance I could develop Progressive Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy in a few years in which case I am absolutely fucked) but my blood tests put me in the low risk category so hopefully I should be fine. Hopefully. All this research is new and we have no idea what he long-term effects of MS treatments are. There's a chance I could be even worse off in the future. It's out of my hands, as seemingly everything is.

My next appointment is on the 28th of April, the day after my birthday (yay).

Speaking of medical issues, if you've been following my other socials then you know I haven't been sleeping right for the last week. For those that (somehow) don't know, I have PTSD. I don't get flashbacks (much) or nightmares or any of that shit they have in movies. I used to have hallucinations until I finally got it all of my chest with my psychologist, but the one thing that never went away was an inconsistent sleep schedule.

Actually no. My sleep schedule is consistent, it's just broken. For whatever reason I'm unable to get a proper 8 hours of sleep at night. For the last 10 or so years, I've been waking up supposedly well-rested after 2 - 4 hours and am unable to sleep again until daylight hours.

My psychologist says it is related to PTSD and nearly everyone that has it has inconsistent sleep. I spent a lot of my childhood being woken up by my parents getting violent or being forced to leave the house in the middle of the night, and it's developed into a maladaptive pattern of my body not allowing me to sleep. This pattern is consistent and no amount of background noise, adjustments to my diet, breathing exercises, avoiding screens or medication has worked to correct it. The closest I got to fixing it was my first week on melatonin, after which I built up a tolerance and it hasn't worked since, even on higher doses.

The only thing that seems to work is to do my best to stay awake for two straight days, getting 3 hours of sleep per night until I'm so obliterated on the third that I'm immediately knocked out. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS. If it sounds extremely unhealthy, that's because it is. It leads to me having multiple days of being unable to function. All I can do is wait for 9pm and HOPE LIKE HELL that I don't have to do a third day.

I guess my main question at this point is, is it even still worth pursuing a normal circadian rhythm? With how much effort it takes just to get a decent 8 hours during the night, I'm convinced just letting myself become nocturnal would be the healthier option because at least I'm well-rested. Nothing else I've tried in the last 10 years has given me results. I'm seriously at a loss on what to do in this situation.

That's all for now. Sorry for ending on a shit note again.