I'm rebooting the comic and working on another video. No idea when they'll be done, but I'm feeling pretty good about both right now. We'll see how it goes. Let's see what I've learned I guess.

Sorry for the lack of concrete updates/news on chapter 11. I’ve been in kind of an abusive relationship with Death Clown these last few months. The project has become extremely taxing on my mental health but for some reason I can’t stop myself going back to it. I love these characters and want to tell their stories but the longer I work on it the more it becomes clear that I’m not prepared for such a project. My consistent failure to come out with content I’m satisfied with has deteriorated to the point of monthly episodes of impulsive behaviour and derealisation. As of writing this, I am thoroughly burnt out on drawing webcomics.

3 month gaps between chapters

For some reason regardless of length, whether it be 17 pages or 40, new chapters always take anywhere between 2 - 4 months to complete. The fact they’ve consistently taken this long to to release despite the different circumstances surrounding each chapter’s development is really fucking frustrating. I don’t know how it manages to almost always take 3 months. It feels like a sick joke.

Failed experiments

I’ve changed so much about my process in an effort to make working on it smoother, especially since the start of this year, but every attempt so far has either made things less efficient or ugly. In most cases both. I’ve reached a point now where I don’t know where to take my style. Whenever I look at my art, it almost feels as if it’s not mine. I used to joke that I frankensteined my art style out of things I like but I feel that’s more relevant now than ever. I know a lot of people like the “mould brush” but to me it just looks muddy and like trying to add detail where it doesn’t belong. I haven’t fully figured out how to use it.

Unsatisfied with output

The early chapters are dogshit. Obviously it’s natural for a series to improve as it goes but the fact everything that comes next is built on that foundation makes it difficult for me to appreciate the series as a whole. It will always be tainted by my inexperienced younger self and his weird art and dialogue. The obvious solution to this issue would be to start over and reboot, which I have been trying since chapter 10. Even then, part of me doesn’t want to throw away the last 3 years of work, which has prevented me from feeling joy in either version of the series.

I think I have a complex

I’ll fully concede that such a strong reaction isn't normal and is entirely up to my upbringing. Everyone knows the artist is the worst critic but I feel this goes beyond that. In any case, it's not healthy. Growing up I was only really praised for my artistic ability. Any attempt to branch out and try new things was met with apathy, and failure was met with harsh punishment. I wouldn't say I've become an adult that can't handle criticism, but the amount of criticism I give to myself is far beyond what's healthy. If you've read my recent news posts, you know what this entails.

TLDR:

Working on Death Clown is causing intense stress and any attempt to make things easier is just making it worse. For the sake of my health I have to put it to bed.

I'm sorry.

Wanted to do a quick news post since I left the last one on a pretty shitty note.

Still struggling with art but there's a few pieces I think are worth posting I guess. I'm still writing the script for part 2 of "Deadman Wonderland is Beautiful" but I'm still not sure when I'll be able to record. If you read my Death Clown blogs then you know I don't like setting dates for myself. It comes out when it's finished, as always.

Thanks to my job I can finally afford my therapist again. It turns out I've been suffering from anxiety/stress induced derealisation. It's hard to describe to someone that's never experienced it, but it almost feels like dreaming.

During an episode, I'll feel trapped but at the same time kind of free? I become easily irritated and act purely on impulse with no regard for consequence. Why would I care when nothing feels real?

I don't think much will change because of it. It's something I've struggled with my whole life except now I know what to call it. Idk. I have to get back to drawing frogs.

This year so far has been one of the worst for me in terms of art. As I write this, I'm 4 months into a cycle of dissatisfaction and burnout with no end in sight. I'm extremely disappointed in myself for the weak turnout so far and I'm sorry.

I'm trying everything I can think of. Nothing looks right. I don't even know what direction I want to take with my style in anymore. The whole point of the change was to speed up my rendering for future DC chapters but I can't practice rendering when I can't even finish a draft. Nothing is going well.

On top of everthing else I've been breaking down every few weeks since December. It's not helping things. My chest hurts. Even the most minor inconveniences have sent me into fits of screaming these last few days. At this point I'm seriously considering the psych ward but I don't want to lose my job.

I'm also back on twitter because I don't know what I'm doing. Let's see how long that lasts I guess. Fuck this.

Hello worms.

After 3 weeks off the platform I've decided not to return to twitter, at least not for a few months. This is probably the most popular opinion in the center of the universe that is the United States, but Twitter is the best argument for mass-execution and imminent destruction of western civilisation. This has nothing to do with the man in charge and everything to do with the little Hitlers that use it.

I already know if I posted this there instead of on NG I'd get all these responses from addicts saying "yeah twitter sucks I hate it" which is complete bullshit. They can leave whenever they want and yet don't. The fact that they still use it daily when they supposedly hate Elon Musk SOOOO much is proof that they love it. I remember when he first bought the place and everyone said the platform was so good before he came along. Don't make me laugh. It always has been and always will be shit. The only difference now is you actually can remember the name of the guy running it.

I already know I'm gonna get that one asshole telling me "but you have so many followers!" and if you think I care about big number, you clearly don't know who you're talking to. Stop projecting your insecurities onto me. I have similar thoughts about Instagram too but it's slightly more tolerable. Slightly.

Even if I wanted to, the scroll bar is broken and registers as me clicking off so I can't post images, only save drafts. I don't care enough to find a fix so they can all kiss my ass. I don't apologise for shit. I have no respect for the platform or the invertebrates that use it. Only pity.

That's all. All of you go straight to hell.

It's 2023 everywhere on Earth now so I wanted to start off this blog by saying the troubles of the world and your life will not magically be solved by a trip around the sun. Magic isn't real. Grow up.

That being said, best of luck. I started my second day of the new year by giving my ivy plant too much water and having it leak onto my laptop and tablet so we're off to a brilliant start. Not sure if water actually got into the electronics of the pc but it definitely did with my tablet so that will need to be replaced. Thankfully I have a job now so it's not a huge issue. As long as my harddrive is undamaged, nothing of true value will be lost. Even so, I may not be posting art for a while.

I linked to the twitter post of my instagram screenshot on my last Drupe pic where I said I was done with social media. For those out of the loop I had a manic nuclear meltdown on twitter fueled by burnout, paranoia over my job and general hatred for all of humanity where I tried to get my account suspended and push everyone away. It didn't work. Some people even seemed into it, so I saw myself out. Instagram lasted a little longer, I finished one last commission and now I'm only using it to dm like 3 people. I've completely abandoned twitter. While I don't plan on crawling back anytime soon, Newgrounds is less shite than the others. I might still pop in and see what's going on here but don't expect art until chapter 10 is finished. The rest can all drink my diarrhoea and get fucked by a million dolphins for all I care.

The next part is just dumb rant shit, you can ignore it if you want.

Something I've struggled with since my teen years is complete and utter disdain for the human race. It sounds like dumb edgelord shit but it's seriously affected me to the point where I won't let myself get close to anyone anymore. As soon as I can read them, it's over.

People on the internet especially are extremely easy to read because they broadcast their every thought. I'm the same, but fuck me if everyone isn't so predictable. All anyone does is chase what will make them look the most virtuous in that moment for internet clout. Maybe this part will upset some people, but it makes me fucking sick when I see someone post some trite piece of art mere hours or even minutes after a some disaster or current event and everyone just eats it up like the unthinking piranhas they are. Whenever I see it, I try to imagine what possessed them to shit something out so quickly. I can't help but think they just want sympathy likes for a tragedy that doesn't even affect them. Especially when it's some petty internet gossip shit and everyone vomits forth some lazy four panel comic. Shit like this makes me absolutely despise the sewerage that is the internet artist sphere. I swear there are AI art generators with more of a soul than these people. All that to say, whenever I think I've found a place I belong I keep seeing the same shitty behaviour. Same adherence to dumbass trends that age like eggs. Same lack of critical thinking and individuality. It's burned into the human gene pool. I don't know where to look anymore.

While I've been working on chapter 7, gabbo_sketches on twitter and instagram has been working hard translating the 6 currently available chapters of Death Clown into Spanish. When both versions of chapter 7 are completed, I'll begin updating the site and add the Spanish chapters on their own page. Below is his translation of the beach episode as a preview. Chapter 7 and Payaso de la Muerte (as we've been calling it) will be out in April.

As a sidenote, a few people have offered to translate it into their own native languages when I made the announcement on my social medias. If you want to translate Death Clown, go for it. That being said it's your responsibility to keep it going. I most likely won't upload it to the website (keeping everything up to date in English is enough of a chore in itself) but I'll add links to whatever mirror site you end up putting it on. I probably won't get involved in the same way I have been in this project but I'm happy to support!

In case you haven't been keeping up with twitter, I got approved for jobseeker (unemployment assistance) payments and finally got proof of separation from my old job after 4 months of trying. I got a few friends in Aus to send reports to relevant departments. I'm not sure how much it helped but they suddenly became very quick to cooperate on Monday so I like to think it did something. I know it's generally frowned upon to make it difficult for retail staff, but this should've only taken 10 minutes and I've been waiting since December. I hope it's been an absolutely miserable experience for them.

I haven't spoken about it much on NG (if at all) but since 2018 I've been dealing with episodes of paranoia and hallucinations (mostly audio, at least one visual). I saw a doctor on monday and got a referral to a psychiatrist but the soonest appointment I can get is in August, so I'm going to be dealing with that a little longer.

As for finding a job, I'm not holding my breath. Especially not in this town. Like I said in the last post, I don't even get interviewed.

Really it's reflecting on the experience of my last job that's been making me feel this way. The elation of finally getting hired being eroded as I'm shown my limitations again and again. Mostly difficulties related to autism that I'm going to have to live with. Maybe it's my fault for not constantly parading the fact I have a disability and announcing it to everyone I meet. I hate having to tell people. Not because I'm ashamed of having this condition, but because it feels like I'm asking for leniency/patience that wouldn't be given to me otherwise. It's why I don't put it in my bios. I don't like the idea that being an autistic creator™ somehow makes my work more valuable.

The thing that ends up getting the better of me is ambiguity. If there's any missing details/context in a request, I'll be completely lost. I explain it to my friends using spaghetti as an example. If you tell me to make spaghetti and left me to it for an hour, assuming I can't find/contact you for answers, I'll be stuck in the kitchen agonising over how much I'm supposed to make, what kind of meat/sauce you wanted, whether you wanted me to actually cook it from scratch or microwave a tin, etc. Apply that struggle to a workplace scenario and that's pretty much how I lost my job. As a teenager doing chores at home, my stepfather at the time used to rationalise it lovingly as me being lazy and not giving a fuck. Maybe I've internalised his words somewhat and assumed I could just force myself to be wired differently but I realise now it's never going to change. Either it'll keep fucking me over or I'll need constant hand-holding. I'll just be someone else's burden.

It's for those reasons that for the past week I've been thinking of ending my life. I've heard every "hang in there" speech, they're not very convincing. Sometimes hanging in there is too painful. Luckily the developments I mentioned in the top paragraphs have made me reconsider and I'm not sure if I'm ready to go through with it anymore. For now I'd like to finish my comic first but I don't know if I can safely say that I won't do it ever. I guess I'll just do my best to enjoy this while it lasts.

It feels like I've been on the receiving end of some kind of sick joke these last 5 years.

I've spent years applying for jobs that won't even give me an interview.

My university course got shutdown just over a year into studying due to disorganised/negligent staff.

Last year, I finally got my first job at 22 but didn't last 3 months before fucking it up.

Trying to squeeze proof of separation from them has been a nightmare and I can't get unemployment assitance until they cooperate. Centrelink seemingly moving the goalposts and not accepting the alternatives that they themselves offered.

It feels like the world just wants me to jump through hoops, then at the very end is a note telling me to go fuck myself.

I'm not sure if I'm an idiot or a victim but one thing is certain: I'm exhausted.

I don't know how or when my situation is ever going to improve. I'm ready to just stop trying.

If you've drawn one of my characters, PLEASE send it to me in a PM. I miss a lot of stuff here